The Ask Dr. Hal Show September 13, 2006

"If you haven't seen Dr. Hal, seeing is believing. The
whole show is on the surface funky but deeply very
skilled and informative. I'll sure go again...
It might be handy to have a question
about Vikings..."

--Codeine Sudafed, Obliterati Reviews

THE DR. HAL SHOW WEEKLY-DISPATCH
Vol. VII No. 1
SPECIAL PRE-SHOW ANNOUNCEMENT EDITION
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"ASK DR. HAL!" SHALL RETURN!
LONG-RUNNING SHOW TO REAPPEAR AT TWELVE GALAXIES IN MID-SEPTEMBER,
WILL FEATURE SPECIAL SURPRISES, MYSTERY GUESTS...
ALSO FEATURING
KrOB's GORILLATHON!TM PREHISTORIC MONSTER ATTACKS! GIANT SPIDER
ATROCITIES! BARDIC ERUPTIONS! FERNET GIVEAWAYS! DAVID CAPURRO DREDGES
THE ID OF THE INTERNET! PETE GOLDIE'S ASTRONOMICAL FANFARONADE! FRANK
CHU'S IMPASSIONED TOURETTE-LIKE PROTEST SPIELS! BULLDADA MONSTER
MOMENTS! SUBGENIUS DOCTRINE!
ALL BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
GAGS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GORILLA SUITS! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE!
-------------- YOU are invited: -------------
And it is with special pride that we proclaim
A RETURN TO OUR TRADITIONAL MID-WEEK PERFORMANCE DAY:
WEDNESDAY NIGHTS
STARTING IN MID-SEPTEMBER
SEPT. 13TH!
BEE THEIR OAR B SQUARE

For immediate release-- The present era of the Ask Dr. Hal! show will
BEGIN AGAIN as it runs every Wednesday night-- until we say
otherwise. The popular entertainment, spawned in the dust-blown
Nevada desert and for years a weekly feature at the quasi-legendary
Odeon Bar (now one with Nineveh and Tyre), after its long and lonely
solo flight through starless darkness will fold its wings and roost
anew at its last known perch, 12 Galaxies in San Francisco's colorful
Mission District, where jostling crowds of unfulfilled, bleating
"hipsters" blindly seek release, after the drawing of the Veil of
Night, from the pain and predicament of being "human."

After a fling with Mondays as its signature night, entrepeneur/
ringmonster Chicken John, the Yeoman of the Showmen, has determined
that we will tread the boards once more at mid-week in the cavernous
but welcoming space of 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission Street near 22nd.
The award winning (in the Bay Guardian) show is guaranteed to amuse,
entertain and educate in its time-tested manner. You'll see old
friends and experience new surprises. Like an old wine, some things
just get better with age. Our price:
STILL SEVEN PALTRY DOLLARS!
For more details, go to our wonder-woven web site at

http://askdrhal.com/

and read the fine print. There's more added to this supernal Site all
the time (by our own Wild Man Webmaster Jascha Ephraim -- check out
the new MP3 Files of Chicken and Hal gabbing on and on, gaze goggle-
eyed at the incredible ever-expanding Pictorial Section, dazzle your
ears with KrOB's Refrigerator Noise and read Dr. Hal's Question of
the Day. It's all about the show, remember. Yes, we frankly admit
it's seven simoleons. No longer FREE at the late, great, oft-lamented
Odeon bar, where our low overhead allowed us to pass the savings
along to you, for Fall 2006's incarnation of the show we are obliged
to charge our patient patrons a paltry pecuniary premium, the
admission price of SEVEN DOLLARS ($7.00) (the same amount it cost to
attend our previous run @ 12G. Now, in keeping with the inflationary
spirit of the times, we must request this modest, nominal charge for
admission, a regrettable economic necessity in lean times of creeping
crypto-fascism and monetary devaluation. The price-- or less-- of a
mere burrito and beer, or the rough equivalent. But this tatty,
tawdry seven dollars admits you to a veritable wonderland, a
memorable salon of music, mirth and intellectual inspiration-- it's
actually quite a bargain, unlike the aforementioned (hypothetical)
burrito. Speaking of which, the area abounds in culinary
opportunities. Indeed, that burrito can be yours as close as the
taqueria on the corner-- or, if you're surfeited with slumming, try
the trendy, arty Foreign Cinema restaurant directly across from the
premises-- or any of a multi-cultural gastronomic rainbow of choices
to tickle even the sophisticated senses of a Brillat-Savarin or the
jaded palate of the most titillated Trimalchio. Explore,
circumnavigate the globe of gourmandizing to be found in the "nabe;"
go ahead-- be a gastronomic Magellan or a Vascular da Gama. Then,
having dined, amble on in to 12 Galaxies, pass the eagle-eyed
scrutiny of Doorman Phoenix (no "terrorists" will be or ever have
been admitted) and wash your repast down with any number of
refreshing varieties of Alcohol, not excluding the Miracle Liquid
Fernet Branca.
This is it!
ASK Dr. HAL! INCORPORATING NEW & FAMILIAR FEATURES & SIDESHOWS,
SCIENCE, SORCERY & SOPHISTRY-- ALL IN THE STYLE OF THE LATE, GREAT ODEON
AGAIN AT 12 GALAXIES, A HIGH-TONED, HIGH-CEILINGED ESTABLISHMENT WITH
FULL BAR
YOU NEVER KNOW WHO WILL SHOW UP OR WHAT WILL HAPPEN!
Can't wait? See the Dr. Hal Show right now!
...via nosy newshound-shutterbug Scott Beale's pix shot right at the
scene with digital diligence. To ogle his complete, sequential photo-
record/slide show of the spied Show, go, man, go-- to

http://laughingsquid.com/2006/03/21/ask-dr-hal-show-chicken-johns-
birthday-photos/

Be honest with yourself. Haven't you missed it? Hasn't there
been a gnawing sense of something missing in your life? Something
like...

THE AFFABLE, AMIABLE COMMENTARY & MONOLOGUE OF YOUR TWINKLY, GENIAL
CO-HOST
CHICKEN JOHN
THE MARVELLOUS MUTATED MUSICAL MEANDERINGS OF COFFEE CULT HERO
K-ROB
(not the false, Oakland K-Rob, but the true Hero of Café This and
Clandestine Radio)
AND THE GORILLOID MYSTERY OF KrOB'S ENTANGLING EDIT
Pulse-Pounding Climax of K-R's Gorilla Flotilla
AND BEWILDERING FOOTAGE OF DINOSAURS & FORMER U.S. PRESIDENTS
AND THE OPTICAL OBLOQUY OF COMPUTER & YO-YO FIEND
DAVID CAPURRO
AND THE SUPREME SCIENTIFIC SHOW-AND-TELL OF N.A.S.A. LIASON & ASTRO-
EXPERT
PETE GOLDIE
AND THE IMPASSIONED BUT ULTIMATELY INCOHERENT RANTING OF PERENNIAL
PROTEST-SIGN BEARER
FRANK CHU
All accompanying THE ORACULAR & BARDIC RESPONSES & REJOINDERS OF
Dr. HOWLAND OWLL, B.A., M.C.S. etc.
THAT IS, AFTER YOU MANAGE TO PASS THE GIMLET-VISAGED GAZE OF OUR
FANATICALLY DEVOTED DOORMAN
PHOENIX
Remember, we are perpetually endeavoring to improve our presentation,
and adjusting our new format for the convenience of our dedicated
friends and patrons.
We entreat our old fellow-travellers to remember that, in this new
run, contrary to their previous experience and expectation, the show
actually will start on time, and-- aw, hell. I'm not going to write
that. Who are we trying to kid? Face facts-- this show never starts
when we say it will. And, you know, this in the past has been
partially your fault. Oh, if enough people would only come earlier,
we wouldn't always hold the curtain, eh? But for the rest of it we
have to take responsibility-- somehow showtime always lags while we
go through endless permutations of sound checks, trapeze-rigging,
KrOB cajoling, backstage dressing room hysterics or what have you.
And this forthcoming time should be no different. But look at it this
way-- it gives y'all time to schmooze & socialize, hang out, drink,
laugh and swap lies. It's a party. An oasis of Slack in your week
that it just doesn't make sense to miss.
MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR SEPTEMBER 13TH-- THE RETURN OF THE ALL-NEW
ASK Dr. HAL!
L e g a l D i s c l a i m e r

"Ask Dr. Hal" is open to all seekers and thirsters after
Enlightenment, except for the ones Chicken John permanently boots out
of 12 Galaxies. Furthermore, special consultations and hands-on
initiations are available in private, particularly for well-knit,
gracile, nubile females over the currently legal drinking age of 21.
Everybody else, including all would-be prospective opening act
performers, is asked to present his or her resume, life history,
astrological chart, nude photos, sob stories, requests for handouts,
X-rays, dirty linen, pickled punks, tortillas or scat-stained BVDs
with miraculous portraits of Jesus, Mohammed or Pee-Wee Herman
thereupon, VHS cassettes, reel-to-reels, 8mm, Super 8, 16mm or
Viewmaster 3-D reels, CDs, DVDs and/or audition tapes directly to
warm-hearted "Chicken"John for evaluation when he is available. I am
unable, owing to serious demands on my time at present, to provide
(shudder) "relationship" advice, give off-the-cuff psychological
analyses, advise you in legal, medical or personal matters, critique
your "poetry," artwork or the manuscript of your novel, or perform an
impromptu phrenological examination. Sorry, I must refrain from
answering questions when "off duty." This is a period and condition
which begins at the moment the show ends and regularly lasts until
the beginning of the next week's performance. I'm not kidding, don't
come at me with questions when it's not Wednesday and I'm not doing
the show. Otherwise, all are most welcome. Step right up, no shoving,
room for all. Not for the fearful, tearful, fretful, regretful, self-
obsessed or feeble-minded, nor for cranks, fanatics, crank addicts,
witches, bitches, hysterics, epileptics, cataleptics, young,
impressionable children or those who are no longer children but are
(too) easily shocked. Oneiromancy a specialty. Some restrictions
apply. Easy to play. Follow all directions. Be the first on your
block to attend. We provide an Oracle of Truth; you provide the
consequences. Yelling at the stage from the audience will be severely
discouraged. For interface during showtime we suggest the "side
note." Available in other venues, and for weddings, funerals,
corporate entertainment retreats, secret ceremonies, bar and bat
mitzvahs. Scientific, educational. Healthful, revivifying, nutritive.
Take cum grano salis. Results may vary. Does not (usually) stain
clothing. No complicated machinery to buy. Anyone can play. Fun for
the whole family (if, that is, the whole family is of legal drinking
age). We almost always show a dinosaur movie. Pens, envelopes,
instruction booklets and question slips provided free of charge. No
pushy salesman will call. Quotes the poets. Witty, bawdy, topical.
Will tell you your Totem Animal. Hypnotic and horrific. Reads tea
leaves and T-shirts. Foretells the future, casts spells, locates
missing objects, heals, sickens, communicates with the Spirit World,
knows the Meaning of Life and the secrets of human hearts in this
world and the next, for all the good it does. Will design your
tattoo. Available for Sex Magick, though at times barely able to
function sexually. Bring your parents and loved ones. Do not exceed
recommended dosage. May take attendees bowling in the middle of the
night. Reveals Past Lives and Life of the Past. The most amazing
thing seen anywhere, I kid you not. Bachelors and cads, take notice:
some of the most fetching (though crazy) women in San Francisco
regularly attend. They really are maddeningly lovely. A co-production
of the Church of the SubGenius. Dobbs Approved. Ameliorates the
Terror of the Gods. Reads the palm of the hand, reads by touch the
bumps on the head and the contours of the uncovered female body. Buy
my horrid horror comic book, Grave Yarns, if you have a taste for
giant spiders, crumbling skulls, leering "Horror Hosts," improbable,
repulsive monsters, the sexual revenge of frustrated scientists, re-
animated walking corpses, the Vengeance of the Dead-- that sort of
thing. I'll have a few to sell right at the show. Buy my innovative
tome The Meaning of Lost and Mismatched Socks from Frog, Ltd. or
right there at the show from me personally. Buy my prophetic comic
book Alien Apocalypse 2006, a collaboration with Underground Comix
legend Spain Rodriguez, from Frog, Ltd. or right there at the show
from me personally. After November, buy my new hardback book,
Dinosaur Alphabet from Frog, Ltd. or right there at the show from me
personally. And I'll sign any and all of these books, thus
exponentially increasing their collector's value. Beware-- my supply
is not unlimited-- far from it. First come, first served. Brought to
you by the Miracle Liquor the elixir vitae Fernet Branca, proud
sponsor of the Ask Dr. Hal show since 2001 A.D. From now on until,
the holy city, New Jerusalem, cometh down out of the clouds from God
out of Heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband, all
questions instantly and irrevocably become the property of the
management. We reserve the right to refuse service to you and all
your kin, reject inappropriate questions and eject inappropriate
questioners, abruptly, firmly, forcefully, gleefully and at will.
Attn. Mission drunks, tosspots, plug-uglies and owlhoots: if you try
to disrupt our show, you will be "bounced." As for everybody else,
Chicken may unaccountably pelt you with wadded up papers-- but it's
all in good fun, isn't it? Although, after coming across with our
more-than-reasonable "entrance fee," it is not strictly necessary to
pay more to enjoy the performance, and any such payment will not
ensure or guarantee your appreciation of the evening, all questions
should ideally be submitted in a regulation envelope containing an
emolument to receive the fullest possible consideration. The better
(i.e. larger) the emolument, the better (i.e. long-winded) the
answer. A premium emolument precipitates a so-called "Bardic
Recitation." Of course, unpaid questions will be answered, but in
binary form by a turba philosophorum-- an assembled mob of magic 8-
balls. The gabby Sternbergh 8-ball (heard editorializing a few years
ago on KQED FM) can even speak its reply aloud. But if it's not a
"yes or no" question, this type of answer frankly doesn't work very
well, and tends to be somewhat unsatisfying. Just the same, no
refunds given or answers guaranteed. You pay for it, you get it. No
one religion or political party endorsed. And if you don't see what
you want, just ask. We hope you have no objection, aesthetic or
otherwise, to Gorilla Suits.Time tested. User-friendly. Preserved for
Posterity. Written up in the weeklies. Featured on the radio, and in
the Italian Daily Press. Taped for TV. Quoted at parties. Rough on
Rats. Remembered in dreams, re-run in your nightmares. Astrally
projected. Alive in Living Memory. Provides automotive information.
The subject of after-dinner anecdotes. Will pop into your mind at
unguarded moments. Better than "The Playboy Advisor," and certainly
cheaper. Recorded on Video Tape. There may be "Whippets." Are you
really actually reading this? You are? Good for you. At least
somebody is. We're obviously not for everybody, but then, as R.
Crumb said, not everything's for children-- not everything's for
everybody. Don't let the terrorists win-- They Hate our Freedom to
laugh our heads off at shows like this, so-- it's important-- at the
next election, vote them out of office next time. Impeachment is
good, too. Get organized! We're located in the fluttering,
fibrillating, palpitating Heart of the teeming Mission District.
Take Muni lines 14 or 49. Take the J Church streetcar to the 22nd St.
stop and walk downhill. Take B.A.R.T. to 16th or 24th St. Station,
transfer to Muni or walk the rest of the way-- it won't kill you,
unlike some of the people on Muni. Take LSD and hallucinate the
entire experience. Read all instructions (provided) before
participating. Drink responsibly, but heavily. Robust alcohol
consumption recommended for full enjoyment. We will meet again in the
place where there is no darkness.

Official Website: http://askdrhal.com/